The Oracle Speaketh

By Leopold Mendacious

I know some of you cats out there enjoyed that old scroll that I put up online last week.

Well, there’s good news. I’ve found Part II!

It was stuck down behind the cupboard where I keep my stash of National Geographics. I hold the contract to supply dentist’s waiting rooms throughout the London area with old and out of date copies.

It’s a nice little earner!

This scroll came with the other one, and also has the Rod Stewart nod of approval. Rod had a sideline in incunabula in the late 60’s, but knocked it on the head when the music took off.

I’ve transcribed it all here, except for a small bit at the end where Marc Bolan tore a bit off at a party to skin up with.

And the sound of a great horn rent the sky; and the clouds did part asunder.

And from the firmament descended St Pat Jennings, and he was mounted upon a fiery cannon. And he bore a scroll, that was the size of a fire extinguisher. But it seemeth passing small in his grasp, for he possesseth the most enormous hands there has ever been.

And he lobbeth the scroll unto me, and did bid me to set down for all to see what was written therein. And here is what it sayeth:

“For although many do denounce the great leader for misplacing his magic hat, yet it would behove them to remember times past.

For success is a tantalising mistress, who provokes desire which, when it is unsatisfied, curdles as doth the milk of the sow in the sun.

For did you not endure barren periods before in other times, yea, even when the midfield was an arid place? And John Jensen was his name and no goal issued forth from his boot for three long years?

And remember that, in these times, the leader was the one they called George. And he didst,  at the start of his reign, assemble a team of mighty attributes.

For George didst take defenders, and verily did bind them together as like the Oxen in the field is tied to his plough.

And the back four did become a thing of strange beauty, and no mortal could pass by it and it became as impregnable as a mighty fortress.

And the pundits looked upon it and mused that it would be easier for a melon-fruit to pass through a letterbox than to pass through that offside trap.

And the people did rejoice, and sung unto the defence with lusty voices celebrating the one and decrying the nil.

And George looked upon it and saw that it was good and upon it he built his team. And at the centre was his captain, a man of mighty thirst called TONY. And many spake that he was a Donkey or Ass. But the true believers saw that he was a thoroughbred.

And he took this team unto Anfield, and the people of the nation gazed towards it and they scorned George and sayeth to one another: they have no chance for no-one has won here by two goals since the Beatles bestrode the earth.

But George heeded them not, and his team overcame their enemies, for it was up for grabs, and they did grabbeth it eagerly in injury time. And they won the mighty silver pot.

And all were amazed, and King Kenny didst wail and gnash his teeth. And his head did sink even further into his anorak and he kickethed the ground in wrath with his white Reebok classics.

And the team went from victory unto victory, and were almost invincible, despite their most mighty captain LORD TONY being sore oppressed and banged up.

And the powers of the land conspired against them also, and sayeth unto the POWERS, we will take from you two of your points for being grievous sinners. And they took the two points away, but what became of them no-one can tell.

But the people did scorn the POWERS, and vigorously implored them to hide within themselves the two points, yea, even in a place where the rays of the golden sun do not reach.

And success followed, but the foul gasses of greed and revelry already seepethed into the club and began to slowly weaken George and his warriors

And many tragic events befell them; and nothing it seemed  would assuage the vengeance of the wrathful Gods.

And it came to pass that the captain TONY thought unto himself, I must make a blood offering to these Gods to appease them.

And so he didst raise up to the sky a young man in the prime of his youth, and did dash him to the floor. But alas, the youth did not perish as TONY had intended but just broke his arm.

And dark days fell across the land of Highbury

And George fell in with some unscrupulous merchants and traders, and they did say unto him, whyfore art thou still a poor man? Surely your cup should overfloweth with gold after all you have done?

And George did ponder upon this, and decided that he would trade with these merchants. For who amongst us spurns gifts, especially unsolicited ones?

And they didst bring unto him one of the gifts of the kind that is called bung, and is swaddled in an envelope of brown.

And George didst take this gift, and he did tuck it inside the inside pocket of his blazer with buttons of brass. For this was the garment that found great favour in his wardrobe.

But the BOARD heard of this matter and waxed wrathful, and summoned George unto them. And they spake unto him and chastised him sorely and bade him depart. And he was sent into exile, never to return.”

Then a bright ray of light fell upon me, and I looked up and St Pat of Jennings was revealed in heaven. And behind him was a goal made of gold, and behind that it seemed to me that there rose an enormous stand and it was filled with a heavenly host.

And as I gazed in wonder upon it I saw that this was the eternal North Bank, wherein all Gold and Silver members dwell for blissful eternity. And I looked to my left and saw a large cage and therein gathered the Red members, who one day would ascend unto the North Bank.

And then scroll lifted from my hands and rose into the shining sky and St Pat caught it in one hand. And…..

And that’s where it ends.

I’ll have a look in the loft over the weekend to see if I’ve got any more of these lying about. I’m pretty sure there might be one rolled up in the magic carpet I’ve been looking after for Dave Lee Roth since ‘82