5 lessons

By Leopold Mendacious

2 points outta six is the sort of form that makes me seek answers.

But this hepcat doesn’t turn to the preacher man or Garth Crooks when he wants to know what’s going on.

Instead, I’ve been continuing to comb through my collections of Rock Vinyl to try and find any hints about the future that I can comfort worried Gooners with.

Rifling through my extensive record collection (I’ve had to have my floors reinforced to take the weight, a mark of any serious Music Professional) I came across a few forgotten Laserdiscs.

These gold discs were the future in 1978.

I was an early adopter of this revolutionary tech. In fact, I was the first person in the UK (apart from Rod Stewart; he always got the best stuff first as he had a cousin who worked at the Phillips factory) to go Laser.

Laser should have dominated, but a shadowy organisation who wanted VHS to win put the squeeze on Laserdisc sellers. My old pal Stephan had the wheels on his mobile Laser library slashed 3 times. He got out of that game, sharpish, and went into Betamax. His body was found washed up on a beach outside Calais 3 months later.

Tucked behind the Brothers in Arms concert film (biggest selling Laserdisc of all time, fact fans) was a double set I bought for my boy Digory: ‘Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure’ and their follow up ‘Bogus Journey’.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up even quicker than they did the first time I heard Tubular Bells

Through the medium of Bill and Ted I would be able to understand Arsenal better.

How? Let’s take a look.

In spirit, Bill and Ted were always quick to recognise when things were Excellent. The grail they sought was the Bodacious.

But that ain’t where Arsenal are at at the moment. Before games most fans feel Trepidatious.

So, what can we learn from B&T?

Avoid a bogus journey.
Arsenal undertook the mother of all bogus journeys when they left Highbury. To quote B&T, that was heinous. We pawned our soul for some padded seats, and the payments to get it back are biting.

Have a most excellent adventure
To be fair, Arsene did lead us on one of these in the beginning. But then came the bogus journey (see above) and it all went wrong. Playing Santos at left back does not count as an excellent adventure.

Be most triumphant
Difficult, when the last time we were triumphant was 2005. Surely this is saying that 4th place is not a trophy. Our sights must be set higher.

No way! Yes way!
A concise description, surely, of the recent North London derby

Be excellent to each other
Directly aimed at Steve Bould, Bill and Ted emphasise the need for the back 4 to move up together in a straight line

You won’t find this kinda insight on IMDB or any director’s commentary DVD extras, readers. I’m channellling this stuff straight to you.

In fact, I’m a funnel.


  1. Sod

    Re: Ding Dong, Donkey Man

    From: Pete

    I have teared up my season ticket and fed it to my dog. Then I fed the dog poo that was the season ticket to my pet pig. I’ve had enough of the fascist emperor of Disney World stadium. I will now revert to some meaningful avtivities on Saturdays; like jerking off to old erotic stamps from the Victorian era.

    Myles: That’s what this old beatnick has been telling you brain dead ameircanized Gooners for a long time. The King of France has created a Cuntley Crêpes attitude that is impossible to change. Football is dead. I remember meeting Denis Law and his second missus at a mall in Manchester in ’78. I told a joke that I’m pretty sure he heard. I think he laughed silently. I wrote about it in the pre face of the poetry book of my friend Garth Cuntman. Talking about books; the Professor is on sale on Amazon on toilet paper sheets for £1.99.


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  2. [...] can Arsenal learn from Bill and Ted? Leopold Mendacious has the answer over on the real [...]